Someone shit on the floor
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
