i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
