I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
