does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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