So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
