I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
