Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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