mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
