you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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