I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
