I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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