This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The Olympian is in my bed
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
