i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
