guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
