is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Enjoy the penises
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
