So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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