I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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