Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
