I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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