The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
