Don't make out with my wife yet
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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