life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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