I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
