The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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