it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
