well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
