I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
