I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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