I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
