There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
