She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
