so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
