Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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