i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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