see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
