please come you make the beer taste better
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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