Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There's always time for handjobs
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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