I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
