Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
there is glitter all over my balls
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