Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
