im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
