I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
