My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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