thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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