I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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