Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
