Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
