My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
