Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
