I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
