my mouth tastes like poor choices
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
