Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
