mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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