This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
