so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just forgot I was standing up.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
