Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Say something about gay babies.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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