Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I looked at my own cervix.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
