I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
